Cursed purses
THIS WEEK: Purses and wallets, Walker's Sensations Chilli and Cocoa crisps
THING: Purses
I was writing an article this week (a real one, not like this pish) about things that older people do. Quite why I was asked to do this is a mystery. Even though I walk around all day with my phone torch accidentally on, can’t hear what anybody is saying and wouldn’t be able to read a menu without my glasses unless it was 2 metres high and propped up on an easel at the back of the room, I am NOT OLD.
But I must be, because I was astonished when I was told that carrying a purse or wallet is now the ultimate signifier of codger status. Young people simply don’t use them. They just trot about contactlessly beeping through the pores in their smooth, unblemished skin. In our cashless society, the humble purse, packed full of cards, crud, faded receipts and a manky pound coin for a shopping trolley, is now about as modern as George Formby’s ukelele.
But at the risk of sounding like a fuddy duddy, I am not having it. I love my purse and you will have to prize it from my gnarled and wizened witch fingers. Mine is a jaunty little mini blue IKEA bag and I keep all sorts of very important stuff in it, like 14p and a loyalty card from a Vietnamese restaurant I went to once. Also, where else would I put my library card, my reminders for my eye test and my over 50 rail pass? (Oh.)
Anyway, the horrifying idea that purses and wallets are fast becoming obsolete has made me want to celebrate the many categories of purses I have known, to ensure we don’t ditch these important artefacts in favour of a phone with a battery at 1%. Behold, the mighty purse! Contactless could never.
Mum purse
This purse screams organisation and sensible household budgeting. It will only be revealed if you haven’t been a wee prick all day, and even then you’re allowed one ice cream and NOTHING ELSE. The power within this purse is infinite and cannot be denied. It’s essentially a leather spreadsheet, with multiple compartments and its own unknowable ecosystem. It is the source of everything a child holds dear, from the food on the table to the shoes on their feet, and also it’s where mum keeps the PIN number for her secret Swiss bank account. So keep your grubby mitts off it, you little bastards.
VERDICT: Mum’s gone to Iceland (via Barbados, with a man called Roger)
Dad wallet
On the opposite side of the purse spectrum is dad’s wallet, which is stuffed to the gills with crap and looks like it was run over by a bus. Men are absolute chaos merchants who have gaslit women into thinking they’re the emotional ones, but most guys can’t even bear to part with an Esso receipt from 2014. Dad wallets are usually black, lumpy accordions of hard cash and old paper, treated with all the reverence of a dog’s chew toy. But even if the whole concept of the wallet died out, its impression would remain, like the Turin Shroud, on the front pocket of millions of pairs of jeans.
VERDICT: I’m not made of money
Strangely shaped silly billy fun purse
I’m sad that by relying solely on their phones, young people are missing out on the joy of trying to insert a Switch card into a purse shaped like a banana. My life is littered with ludicrous novelty purses of the past, from gin bottles and cassette tapes to jewel encrusted slag purses, and every single one of them was full of coppers and moths. To continue this tradition, I will be buying this one ASAP. What do you mean a cheap comedy purse attached to your belt that tells everyone you’re a big alcoholic isn’t fashionable? What’s wrong with people these days?
VERDICT: Crapple Pay
The Big Purse
When a woman reaches elder status, you automatically graduate to a massive purse. This is a milestone in every woman’s life, and I will not allow the whims of modern technology to deny me my birthright. My gran’s purse was so big it needed two people to carry it through the door. The big purse must be absurdly long with a transparent window where you can display a bus pass and a picture of granddad looking shifty in 1958, and a tiny, weeny little compartment for coins. Most importantly, though, it has to have a metal clasp that opens and closes with a satisfying click - but mostly stays closed, unless it’s Christmas, when you get one coin pressed into your hot little hand.
VERDICT: Here’s 5p, go and buy yourself a house
THING: Walker’s Sensations Chilli and Cocoa crisps
Of course, it’s very important to get rid of useful things like purses to make way for amazing modern inventions like HORRIBLE AND DISGUSTING CRISPS COVERED IN DRINKING CHOCOLATE. Last week I was exposed to these by my sister-in-law and niece, and I say ‘exposed’ because these are the Ebola of snacks. Once you’ve had one you will never be the same again and everything around you will have to be locked down and disinfected. God knows where they found them, but they were obviously mouldering in a bargain bucket somewhere because they were left over from Easter. I wonder why nobody bought them? Maybe because they’re an affront to God? However, despite the fact that they were inedible, the rest of my family started chomping away at them, and after a while said they couldn’t even taste the chocolate anymore. Mind you, come to think of it, I haven’t seen them since.
VERDICT: Choc-ingly shite
And finally, it’s my birthday today (whooooop!!! I mean, arrrrrrghhh) and I am officially old. But if you want to fill my coin purse with drinking money, why not consider a paid subscription to the Lucyverse? It’s just £6 a month and you get tons of exclusive drivel in your inbox every week.
Come on. It’ll be fun. Just think of all the laughs we can have together!
Happy birthday! Hope one of your presents is a massive red pleather purse from TK Maxx with a labubu dangling off it.
My gran's purse was so big it needed 6 pallbearers to carry her in it
Happy B-day, Lucy!