Wild in the aisles
THIS WEEK: Wild Cat Argan Oil Foot Socks, Crufts, Colin the Caterpillar Egg Hunt
THING: WILD CAT ARGAN OIL MOISTURISING FOOT SOCKS
Remember the thrill of getting a bargain? No, neither can I. We live in a world where Mr Kipling’s Angel Slices are £3.80 in Tesco. How, unless ACTUAL ANGELS MAKE THEM, can they be £3.80? Is there a secret document in Kipling HQ called ‘How_War_in_Ukraine_will_affect_Angel_Slices_2023.pptx?
Now, as anyone who reads this newsletter knows, I love crap – but it has to be cheap. Don’t come at me with crap that costs a fortune, mumbling excuses about supply chains. However, it’s becoming so uncommon to find anything £1 or under, that when I do, it’s in my basket faster than you can say ‘Wild Cat Foot Pampering Argan Oil Sock Pack.’
Look at these bobby dazzlers. Cheap ‘n’ cheerful, like a winning smile from Frank Butcher on a sunny day at the car lot, or a trip to Dunelm with the girls to buy a heart-shaped chalkboard with ‘But First, Coffee’ on it. They’re filled with the easy breezy throwaway fun of 2010s capitalism, after Obama’s inauguration but before David Attenborough starting talking about how orcas were being washed up with piles of plastic leopardprint foot socks in their bellies. Back then you could do a B&M haul without the relentless guilt of destroying the planet for the next generation – now you can’t even look at a yellow plastic luggage tag that says ‘Rays For Days’ without imagining it wrapped around the neck of a dead golden eagle.
But allow me this one plasticky indulgence, because I have feet like two truckles of leathery Stilton and there’s nothing I like more on a Saturday night than to fire up Netflix and slip my trotters into two slimy bags for life. (And in case you were wondering if you can ever have too much leopardprint - it turns out the answer is yes.)
As with most beauty products that cost £1 from the Superdrug bargain bin, it didn’t actually work. The argan oil failed to penetrate the tough membrane of my foot skin, and I nearly slipped and fell to my death when I went to the toilet, but the process itself, although unpleasantly cold and clammy, was at least an attempt to care for myself. And when you live in a harsh, cruel world where you have to go on the game to score a pack of Mr Kipling, a little TLC is priceless.
VERDICT: Socksy stuff
TV: CRUFTS
Things I have noticed while watching Crufts:
Dog breeds are insane. They all have stupid names like Lady Petit-Filou of Chuggington Abbey, and I can’t decide whether this one looks like Bob Ross or Alan Sugar.
The Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever is specifically bred to entice ducks to their deaths
There are many hopeless WhatsApp messages from members of the public, asking why their whippet keeps yawning
The rescue dog agility section is so chaotic it makes Brexit look like a smooth and successful process
The winning dogs always look like the contents of a Henry the Hoover
Claire Balding’s Crufts wardrobe is rather jazzy, isn’t it? A red leather biker jacket and a pair of New Balance? Sexy.
A Pomeranian did a poo on the stage - TV GOLD.
VERDICT: 5 Jumbones out of 5
THING: COLIN THE CATERPILLAR EGG HUNT
I have always been fairly vocal in my hatred of Percy Pig, the squishy, bubblegum flavoured swine. I feel he is undeserving of the attention lavished on him by M&S, who put him on everything from pyjamas to this jigsaw, which seems designed to give you an aneurysm.
I much prefer creepy little Colin, who - doomed relationship with Connie the Caterpillar aside - is tastier and can be pulled apart with your teeth like a big juicy elastic band. But nothing, nothing beats these:
This limited edition pack is only available once a year, and every single one has a white squishy bottom, which to me is a key component of a successful sweet. They’re grapefruity and fresh and full of the joys of spring. (In fact, I would even go so far as to say that they’re a fruity eggstravaganza.) I really want to enjoy them all year round, though. Perhaps M&S could just rebrand them as Colin and Connie’s babies and have a picture of them both lovingly cradling an egg on the packet? It’s really no weirder than this shit:
VERDICT: Colin’s eggs 4EVA
Just bought a bag of Egg Hunt caterpillars #colinfluencer
Laughing out loud again early on a Monday morning. Could ask for no more in a newsletter!