Temuescent Thursday

THIS WEEK: LADY BUSINESS

Temu’s idea of a woman is probably very much the same as an ill-informed 12 year old boy who was away when they did human anatomy at school. It’s a very strange combination of cartoonishly exaggerated body parts, euphemisms and grotesque details gleaned from your mum’s ‘special drawer’.

Still, it’s summer. So, if you’re a woman, chances are you need to focus on various intimate parts to make sure you’re beach body ready - because we’ve been constantly told that we’re not good enough as we are since the dawn of time. (In fact, ‘beach body ready’ is probably written on some Neolithic caves next to some shit drawings of a bison.)

Anyway, these products promise to make you cleaner, smoother, firmer, bigger, better, less stinky - and one of them actually turns you into A BALLOON ANIMAL.

Are you ready, girls? Let’s go.