Temuescent Thursday

THIS WEEK: Union Jerks

Weirdly enough, I think Temu might understand the current state of the UK better than we do. Type ‘Britain’ into the search bar and it turns into a gammon-themed supermarket, full of items for impotent, needlessly angry white men who enjoy shouting at clouds, black people, women, the one trans person they saw once on the telly and wheely bins (food waste recycling = woke).

But Temu has rather knowingly categorised all the horrifying bulldog ornaments and Reform t-shirts together with anti-dribble bibs, cards that say ‘You are old’ and AI-generated Only Fools and Horses duvet covers. It’s almost as if the algorithm knows they’re a bunch of fucking useless dinosaurs.

Anyway, as we enter a summer of race riots, football-related violence and flag shagging, let’s have a look at an array of hideous ‘patriotic’ British things, and pray for an asteroid!