Everything's gone green

THIS WEEK: Pistachio flavoured everything, Oozy's biscuits

THING: Pistachio flavoured everything

I thought pistachios would have had their day by now. After all, the state-sanctioned success of Dubai chocolate ultimately failed to distract everyone from the fact that Dubai is a corrupt new build estate in the middle of the desert, full of low-flying drones, Russian escorts and honest, hard-working ‘businessmen’ like Katie Price’s new husband, Lee Andrews.

But even so, this sweet primordial green ooze has continued to trickle down into the mainstream. There’s now a pistachio Aero and there are even pistachio LINDORS. Who would have thought those venerable Lindt chocolatiers would succumb to viral trends? Give me a cortisol cocktail and proteinmaxx me to the crematorium!

Anyway, despite my prediction that green gooey slop was on the way out in 2026, this summer, pistachio is making a comeback stronger than Lee’s hairline. Maybe I was wrong and I’ve underestimated how great it is? Let’s try a few of the latest creations and find out…

LIDL DUBAI STYLE DOUGHNUT

Lidl’s taken its time with this one. Instead of dropping it back in 2022 when people gave a shit, they’ve launched it now, when nobody gives a shit about anything and would probably eat a hairball if it had a yellow reduced sticker on it. Perhaps the UAE has decreed it to be Dubai Style Donut Summer? Anyway, despite containing a dark green filling which resembles grass that has passed through the many stomachs of a cow, it was quite tasty. I didn’t even mind that the decoration on the top looked like one of Victoria Wood’s tour jackets.

You have to wonder where all these pistachios are coming from, though. They’re expensive, aren’t they? Is there a job lot knocking around somewhere? Let’s not ask too many questions, though, and just hope that the next generation of babies aren’t born with green Dubai-style eyeballs.

VERDICT: Donut worry

NUTYMAX

Who doesn’t want to Nutymax their life? I snapped these up, mainly because the packet was burning my retinas and I needed some relief. In reality, though, these Turkish pistachio-filled Kinder Bueno knock-offs aren’t green at all, and they are DELICIOUS. They’re extremely sweet, but each bar is separately wrapped and you can break it into segments, which is good because if you ate the whole thing you’d be so sugar-crazed that you’d turn into Hulk and start throwing cars down the street. Still, I would cross the Bosphorus for these babies. Luckily, I don’t have to because they were stacked up in my local discount warehouse like a big old pile of neon bogies. Go on, try one! You’d be nuty to miss them!

VERDICT: Turkish delight

DUBAI CHOCOLATE SPREAD

Okay, I haven’t tried this and I never will, but I thought it illustrated the nadir of society so beautifully that I had to include it. You can imagine Wall-E finding this empty vessel in an abandoned, post-apocalyptic dump, trying to understand what ‘Viral on TIKTOK’ means and using it to store spare microchips and his collection of decomposing Anime bobbleheads. The AI used to generate the label thinks pistachios are edamame in helmets, and the jar appears to be filled with Bombay Mix. Oh wait, breaking news - it contains 3 different delicious ingredients, one of which is ‘chocolate’ with two As, one inside the other.

Except that’s not chocolAAte…

VERDICT: That’s nuts

MOMA OAT PISTACHIO MATCHA

And finally, some classy pistachio action, this time featuring that other green thing that won’t go away - matcha. Yes, it looks like a venture capitalist designed this carton on Canva, but some self-sabotaging part of me is still determined to like matcha, so I bought it. I filled a glass with ice and I even added some zero waste strawberry syrup made from the discarded tops of strawberries (yes, I am having a breakdown, thanks for asking!)

After that, I took one sip and it was so good that I immediately ascended to Smug Final Boss level, where I met Gwyneth Paltrow for a keto boyfriend breakfast in her new genocidal luxury apartment, and she showed me a glowing vaginal egg that unlocked the secrets of the universe.

Then I found out that Moma stands for ‘Making Oats More Awesome’ and is actually owned by AG Barr, the makers of world-famous Scottish rusty drink Irn-Bru. And I fell back down to earth and landed on a blood-stained mattress in some wasteland off the M8.

VERDICT: Pistachioed oot ma nut

THING: Oozy’s

More ooze now, of the ‘classic’ kind.

The design on the Oozy’s biscuits packet takes me back to a time when Dubai chocolate was just a twinkle in the Sheik’s eye. It conjures up the days before social media or even dial-up modems, when everything was brown, beige, analogue and covered in grubby fingerprints and nicotine stains. Back when people in sitcoms had phones in their kitchens with really long cords, and tried to break into each other’s houses to erase messages on answering machines. In fact, you might say this design is classic. Classic Oozy’s.

But for something to be classic, you actually have to know about it in the first place, and this is where Oozy’s fails spectacularly. They are completely unknown. When you google them, the internet is stumped and thinks you’re talking about a place called Oozy’s Pizza in Fairfield, Ohio. When you read the packet, the plot thickens. They are made in India by a company called Mrs Becton’s. Now, I don’t want to make assumptions here, but you don’t have to be Dr Pepper to figure out that Mrs Becton is not a real person.

Sadly, Oozy’s are not real biscuits, either. They’re tiny little discs of burnt margarine with black muck inside. Perhaps they’re not legally allowed to say they’re biscuits, because on the packet they’re described as ‘shells.’ To be quite honest, I would rather eat actual shells than this - maybe a nice recently vacated razor clam or a crunchy scallop. And they don’t even ooze! What could be a promising, swirly, fun little treat is a sad moment of dry crapness. Fess up, Mrs Becton, if that is indeed your name. Are these dog biscuits?

VERDICT: Oozy Oozeburn

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