Creatine a monster

THIS WEEK: Bodyfuel powders, M&S Super Loop Lollies, The Future

THING: Bodyfuel powders

We’re sitting back as our world is becoming slowly Swizzeled. Next up: Refreshers-scented Covid testing kits, Parma Violets insulin and Drumsticks tampons.

Call me a cultural soothsayer, but I wrote these words way back in 2024. At the time, I was joking (sort of), but I had no idea it would come to this:

Actually, this is how it looked on the shelves of B&M - in jail, where it belongs.

If you were wondering whether to put a deposit down on that cave, I can confidently tell you that it is time. We’ve reached brand collab singularity. After this, every other collab - from Wingstop x Always Ultra to Holland & Barrett x Halliburton - is null and void. Soon, the universe will implode and shrink to the size of one single Love Heart that just says: BYE.

For those of you who are not au fait with Swizzels, they’re a British confectionery company who will add their sugary flavours and scents to anything at all, from toilet paper and lip balm to dry shampoo. Right now, everyone on earth probably has micro Swizzels in their bloodstream.

But this feels like a new low, and it’s not just a one-off, either. When you’ve beefed up your muscles, you can start working on your hydration. No, not with boring old hydrating water - with this!

This really is the pinnacle of self-optimisation, isn’t it? It contains powdered coconut water(??), pink Himalayan salt, potassium and also, we must assume, the healthiest, most natural electrolyte of all: SQUASHIES.

However, Swizzels isn’t the only confectionary company getting in on the gym supplements game. Bodyfuel has also made a deal with whoever makes those horrible tiny grains of shit they call Millions - AND you get an unnecessary apostrophe free of charge!

Or maybe it’s a stray Million. Who knows? Certainly not that can of cola with the sunglasses.

To be honest, I’m as baffled as he is. As I haven’t set foot in a gym since that time I accidentally did a poo in my leotard when I was 6, I’m still trying to get my head round what these things are supposed to be, even without the addition of disgusting sweetie flavours.

I’m assuming they’re just harmless supplements that won’t turn your kidneys into a pair of Parma Violets. Perhaps they’ll appeal to the weird jacked up 16 year old bros who hang about the Pure gym, hoping they won’t bump into any of their mum’s friends. Or maybe they’ll be snapped up by fully grown men who bench press their feelings and wish their absent dads would just come back and buy them one more bag of Squashies.

Even so, it’s hard to imagine anything more dubious - apart from maybe a range of Love Hearts-shaped coke spoons or a Refreshers-flavoured morning after pill. Actually, let’s not think of any more outlandish Swizzels-related things in case we manifest them.

VERDICT: Love Hearts flavoured lethal injection

THING: M&S Super Loop Lollies

I much prefer to heal my inner child by eating lollies. Lollies used to be a lot better than they are now, because they had jokes on the sticks. At some point, everyone decided to take the jokes off the sticks, perhaps because the world is jam-packed with humourless fuckwits who think joy is frivolous and gets in the way of GAINS and increasing ROI (Return on Ice Cream).

Still, these M&S fake Twister lollies are - excuse the lolly pun - Fab. They’re much better than Twisters because they’re not lurid green and white with an alarmingly pink centre like a bleeding stump. Instead, you just get a pleasantly circuitous, pastel-hued experience which sends you into a trance. All the horror melts away as you descend towards its refreshing centre and experience a rare thing called simple brainless enjoyment. As this is M&S though, I’m pretty sure they’ll discontinue this product on the grounds that I like it, and immediately replace it with a high protein meat lolly with Alphonso mango chilli sprinkles and a swirl of rose-scented feta.

VERDICT: No lols for you

THING: The future

And finally, thanks to Lucyverse reader Marie-Claire W, who has sent us a glimpse of what we’ll all look like when capitalism finally eats itself.

Thanks to unregulated Millions-flavoured creatine entering the water supply, the animal kingdom will become super strong, able to effortlessly lift apples and custard pies using just their heads.

Meanwhile, replaced by LLMs and holograms of Ozzy Osbourne, humans will be forced underground, the grass growing over their tech neck hunchbacks, as they forage for grubs and tell each other jokes from old lolly sticks.

Oh no, sorry, it’s just the garden department in Home Bargains.

VERDICT: Turtley hopeless

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Thanks for reading this week’s free edition of the Lucyverse! I’ve extended my May sale until midnight TONIGHT so don’t miss your chance to get an annual subscription for just £35!

For that, you get:

🖊️72 paid posts a year (essentially, MILLIONS of words)

🔍Access to FOUR years of hilarious archive posts that will make you Swizzel your schnizzel

🍭More jokes than a Mr Men lolly from 1979

So don’t be creatine a fuss - sign up today!

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