Welcome to the first edition of Temuescent!
Twice a month (on a Tuesday or Thursday for alliterative purposes) I’ll be reviewing one truly horrifying thing on the global hellsite that is TEMU.
Finding just one truly horrifying thing is actually quite hard. There are so many! It’s like AI got together with the owners of those weird newsagents that sell bongs, with the express intention to make your mind collapse. And for some reason everything is £6.72. Will these cursed items explode when they eventually arrive on your doorstep in 2 years time? Or will you just find an empty box with a note in it that says ‘Please help me escape the ant toothpick factory.’ The answer is yes to both!
This one’s for my paid subscriber crew *winks from the front seat of my convertible Lambo* but my free crew *massages your shoulders lovingly* can see a preview today, just so you know what you’ll be missing out on.
And that’s called a sales tactic.
Right, here goes. God knows what this one has done to my algorithm…
MEN’S 3D ALL OVER SAUSAGE PRINT T-SHIRT, £6.72
I did warn you.
We can only hope that this doesn’t actually exist until you order it. It helps to ease the pain, because imagining that there’s a rack in a warehouse somewhere full of boxes marked RAW SAUSAGE T-SHIRTS x 1000 is just too much to bear.
But why would you order it? What kind of person wakes up one day and says: ‘I know! I’m going to get myself a funky t-shirt covered in ghastly close-up images of pig’s intestines.’
You certainly would get comments, I suppose. After all, everyone exists in a permanent state of attention-seeking arousal, hoping to one day be noticed by some entity bigger than ourselves, so that we can feel less like an insignificant atom.
But is making yourself look like a BOWEL really the way to do it?
Temu says this is ‘street style’, but if you were, say *dusts off old DVD of The Wire* workin’ the corners wearing this, I can imagine you would be laughed out of town and called ‘Sausage Boy’ for evermore. People would say, ‘remember that guy who dressed like raw sausages?’ And someone else would say ‘Sausage Boy?’ Yeah he was the WURST.’
To make things even more hideous, Temu has tried to attract buyers by taking this hypnotic, badly-lit photo of the sausage t-shirt, which is a bit like having a front row seat at a colonoscopy.
Anyway, there’s still something awesome about this item (in the true sense of the word). It’s like seeing a species of sea cucumber you never imagined existed, or some top secret alien spunk that the CIA has been hiding a cupboard in Langley since 1962.
And I suppose if you’ve got a BBQ coming up this summer, it would be ideal.
VERDICT: Pig pun
Pork Quoi?
I love it!!
Temu pricing shows what a great deal this blog is! For only £6 I can get my weekly dose of Lucy Sweet, while this shirt that makes one look like they’ve committed hara-kiri is a whopping £6.72. If that’s not a bargain then you can call me Sally Sausage.