THING: Sweet-related products
Life is full of infinite horrors, so there’s no wonder we’re always trying to add a little sweetness to the everyday. We wrap ourselves in fluffy bathrobes and hoodies to dull the pointy edges of the apocalypse, and grown adults say things like ‘Come round to mine Moira and we’ll watch Friends and do a Slush Puppies face mask.’ We crave comfort and treats and the simple things we enjoyed before Putin, gonks and Facebook Marketplace showed up and ruined everything. Who can blame us?
But, ironically, if you go too far into the land of childlike novelty, the horrors increase. And one day, while you’re minding your own business in the supermarket, you see this:
LOVE HEARTS KITCHEN ROLL
And now we’ve had a little scream into the abyss, let’s contemplate the latest neurological breakdown from the Swizzels stable. Swizzels are hellbent on impregnating every product under the sun with the essence of their cheap, nasty, chalky sweeties and they’re advancing faster than I ever thought possible. This stuff stinks like the bottom of a party bag given out at the Happy Little Pirates Soft Play Centre - a chemical, strawberry vape fluid-esque tang that will surely find its way onto every surface and foodstuff. I’ve never in my life wished for scented kitchen roll. In fact, some things should remain resolutely UNscented. Still, who cares? Nobody. We’re sitting back as our world is becoming slowly Swizzeled. Next up: Refreshers-scented Covid testing kits, Parma Violets insulin and Drumsticks tampons.
VERDICT: ‘Two packs of Squashies-flavoured incontinence pads, please’
But you know, maybe it’s not that bad? Maybe it’s just a bit of harmless, sweet-related fun and I’m being a killjoy. I mean, it’s not like Swizzels are making anything THAT weird, like I dunno… hamster cage and cat litter tray cleaner!
Oh.
FRUIT SALAD SPRING WATER
Swizzels better watch out though, because there’s a new pretender to the throne. Barratts are taking a similarly scattergun approach to merchandising, but this time they’ve gone one better and contaminated the water supply. I saw this on offer for 34p and I was about to touch it, but my hand involuntarily recoiled and I sprang back as if being attacked by a giant water serpent. But it looks fun! You should try it! I’m sure it’s delicious and that when the rivers are full of lurid yellow and pink ringed fish with fourteen eyes it will be a complete coincidence.
VERDICT: Dead in the water
BIRTHDAY CAKE FACE MASK
EUGGGGHHHHH! What fresh hell is this? The gaping mouth. The lolling, dehydrated tongue. The peeled-off skin speckled with grit. Is she wearing a birthday cake hat? Where are her eyes? This is meant to seem cute and appetising, but I’ve seen vomit that looks more like cake mix than this. For my birthday I would like this to be destroyed with fire.
VERDICT: Betty Shocker
CHUPA CHUPS COLA AIR FRESHENER
‘Hi, I’m just around the corner - are you at home?’ asks that hot guy you’ve been seeing on and off for a while. You raise an eyebrow seductively and glance around the room. ‘Sure’ you reply, with laissez-faire confidence. ‘Give me 5 to get ready.’
Then you launch yourself off the sofa, turn your knickers inside out for an extra day’s wear, wipe the Primula spread off your face and use half a can of Chupa Chups Cola Room Spray to hide the smell of guffs.
VERDICT: Colaarrrgh
THING: FOAMOJIS
Ah at last, some actual sweets! I know this hard to believe, but sometimes rather than collaborating with Hewlett Packard to make Wham Bar printing ink, confectionery companies make confectionery! I bought these because they are apparently ‘fun & fantastic’ and who wouldn’t want to eat a packet of foam rubber faces? However, the actual sweets don’t ALWAYS correspond with the pictures on the packet.
The biggest surprise of all, though, is that despite the fact that they look like balls of earwax, they did indeed taste fun & fantastic. Natural flavours, just the right side of chewy… a mouth watering treat! I’m so full of sugar, I give them 10 stars!
VERDICT: 🤪
THING: WHITWORTH’S JALAPENO AND LIME GASTRO NUTS
And finally, after all that cloying sweetness, it’s time to rejuvenate our palette with a savoury ‘treat’. How about some GASTRO NUTS? Hmm, not sure that sounds great, does it? It’s meant to make you think of high-end eating experiences, but sadly it’s making me think of the opposite end. If I had gastro nuts, I would book myself in for a colonoscopy immediately, and when you add jalapeño into the mix - well, let’s just say I’m not feeling particularly hungry anymore.
For all their pretentious fanfare, these are boring, basic dry roasted peanuts with a touch of cumin-scented armpit and a bitter pepperiness that hangs around for a bit and then immediately gives up. I couldn’t taste the lime at all, which was a blessing really, because who wants LIME on their gastro nuts too? OUCH.
VERDICT: Gas and air please
I love this so much. I'm choking at the idea of cola room spray. 😳 🤣 Our hunger for novelty in all things is truly going to be the end of us.
Sweet-scented loo roll just makes me think I have extreme diabetes & need some kind of medical intervention